Then and Now

I have always been selfish, materialistic, a snob, irresponsible, and just like any other teens whose curious about new things. I've always wanted to do something like other people do(if you know what I mean). I used to think it's cool or some sort like that. You know, like if that person go to this place and hang, you wanted to do the same thing just because you think you will categorized as some hot shot or something like that. But as I grow older, all those urges to be "cooler", "popular" , "accepted" just vanished and I've realized that there's more out there.

Back then, my parents used to be really strict. The type where they won't let me out and all, making me study 24/7 stuff like that. At that time, I felt like I was suffocating. I thought to myself that they were so horrid for keeping me in like this. I used to rebel against my parents rule despite the consequence that I will soon encounter. I was so daring at that time, doing things behind my parents back even after they found out, I still do it and thinking that they know nothing and I am way smarter than them. Like it gives me satisfaction or something? They always told me that "you will regret this, you should listen to us because we want the best for you and we know better" but being the rebellious stubborn me, I just told to myself "yea yea yea whatever. I know what I'm doing". But right now, when I turn back, all the things that my parents did, advised me are true. They were right about everything, well mostly everything. I guess, when you're older, you look at things differently. You begin to appreciate everything what your parents have done to you. In my case, I certainly do.

I look at things differently now. I've realized that the world doesn't revolve around me like I used to. I am considered myself as a lucky person to be brought up by such wonderful parents, to be in such an amazing family. I've always pondered to myself, what if I'm brought up with a family who don't even care what I'm doing, who splurged me with money but without love or even without a family? I am truly thankful to be brought up in this family. I appreciate life more. I thank god that I am taught that you can't have everything in this world. So kudos to my mum for always saying no to the things I wanted when I was a kid :p

When you're older, every cents matter. I used to be a shopaholic well technically it was last year. I would splurged my money with new clothes, accessories etc every week no matter what. Probably because my dad will give my allowance every week that makes me feel that it's okay to spend on things and it gives me happiness. Well so I thought it was "happiness". Until one day, I can't remember how but I told to myself, "if I don't start to be thrifty now, I will be spendthrift forever and who knows I might be under bankruptcy and full of debt". You never know your future, so I start to view on things, differently.

As time goes by, I realize that it doesn't really matter how you look like because you don't live to please other people. I don't shop regularly like I used to. I always think that one top can be one's meal. And plus, wealth without knowledge,iman, and a good heart is nothing. To add that up I am just a student.

I think it really hit me, when my parents perform the Hajj last year. My parents always go to overseas and left my brothers and I, alone here. Whenever my parents go for their outstation I always thought it was an opportunity for me to do whatever I want but not this time. It was different. I felt that a weight of responsibilities just dropped on my shoulders when they went for Hajj. I finally understood the responsibility of being an eldest child. Reality gave me a slap on my face when I hugged my parents before they left for hajj. Thinking to myself , if they're not around anymore, I'm the one whose responsible for my little siblings, whose responsible to take care of them, to take care of my grandparents, even. I felt that it is such a huge responsibility which I have never realized in my 20 years of existence. That's one of the reasons why I view things differently now.

I am starting to appreciate little things in life. Like how beautiful our world is. Try to look around you, look at the trees, the sky, the sun, the moon. What a wonderful world it is when we start to see things differently. God is great, Allah is great. I am still taking baby steps to be a better person. We always find it hard to do something beneficial even though it is the simplest thing to do. I am still a long way to go though. I guess if you want to change for the better, do it for yourself not because of other people. Do it for god. Of course there's always, always people trying to bring you down. But learn not to care to those negative feedback. Eventhough we always tell people "don't judge a book by it's cover, but to be frank EVERYONE judge a book by its cover" so it's totally normal to have haters. Let them be. Learn how to love yourself and therefore when you do so, you can't be crushed ;)