Acceptance

"Miss, who are you"

"I'm his wife"

"Please wait outside Miss. We will call you soon"

That's the utter words said by the nurse as I saw you laid on the bed, unconscious surrounded by nurses and doctor. In my head, I was thinking whether this is a dream. In my heart, I was praying to Allah that everything will be okay. I told my dear heart that, he's okay, everything will be okay while carrying Dian. Looking at my daughter's face knowing that she doesn't understood all this, I thought to myself "Allah does not burden a soul, my daughter will not be an orphan". After half an hour of waiting anxiously, the doctor broke us the news that my husband is gone.....

I could not believe what I just heard. Everyone was in total shocked. I just saw him a few hours ago. The last words he said to me was "see you at home". We were texting each other, he was on the way home bringing pizza for us. How could this be real?

Is this even true?

I was praying to Allah at that moment to just give my husband a second chance in this world. Just bring him back. 

I saw my husband's face, his eyes were looking up and there were bruises all over his head.

Is this a dream?

Am I dreaming?

I was screaming at you to wake up.  I was pleading to Allah to give your life back as you have such a bright future, and we have the whole world to explore. My mama was asking you to wake up. Your mama came and could not believe it. 

Our brothers were crying to their knees,  our sisters came screaming that it isn't true.
Everyone broke down.

My dad hugged me and said "Ayu, we got you. All of us will take care of Dian. Ni ketentuan Allah. Redha, redha, redha"

And that's when I realised, it is true. This is what Allah has written for me. 

My husband is gone and I am a single mother of a 3 months old baby. My baby just lost her father. We lost a great man. 

I went back home that evening and in my head I could not stop thinking of how short life is. It was so hard for me to fathom that the love of my life, the father of my child, my best friend is gone... just like that, he is gone. I didn't receive any warning signs, I wasn't even prepared for this. 

I was overwhelmed with sadness and anger. I felt that my whole world just collapsed right in front of my eyes. How can I go from here? 

Why Allah took his life now?

Will Danial's soul be okay? 

"Ya Allah, ampunkan lah segala dosa-dosa nya dan buka kan pintu Syurga mu kepadanya".

I prayed and prostrated to Him. I poured my heart out in prostration to Allah, and that's when I've accepted it.

Redha as Allah blessed me with peace internally. 

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم 

 It is in every verses in the Quran ," In the name of Allah, the most beneficent and the most merciful."

Indeed, Allah is the most merciful and Allah will only take a person's soul at the right time and In Sha Allah at his best state.

And that's when I accepted that this is the decree of Allah. 

Allah is the best planners, He has written everything for me here. Allah has prepared me to go through this all my life. I am prepared. Allah has prepared me.

Back then, I used to struggle a lot with acceptance. I used to ask myself "what if I did this, then this won't happen", "why me?"or "is there something wrong with me? am I being punished".

At one point in my life, I realised that the saying "everything happens for a reason" is truly true. It took years of self-reflecting, learning about the truth from Quran and truly understand what worshiping Allah truly means to finally acquiring "redha". It took me years to finally understood and attained the art of letting go and finally letting Allah in my heart. Each epiphany that I've experienced throughout my life, just pushes me to bring closer to the creator of all creations.

"Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear” (Qur'an 2:286) "

Indeed, it's true. Hence, that's why the Quran is called the "Book of Truth", the "Book of Reflect", and when we hear and understood each verses in the Quran, we find familiarity in it. As if, we've heard it before. Indeed, our souls have heard it before and our souls know that it's true. Thus, that's why it's the "Book of Reminders" to remind our souls to go back to our rightful home as we are lost souls in this world.

"But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not." (Qur'an 2:216)

We might not understand the wisdom behind it but indeed, what has written for you is the best for you as Allah is the wisest. He knows what we do not. He loves us ten times more than our mother loves us. He wants us to succeed in this world so we can see Him in the next world. So trust Him, as He is the master of all planners.

"See you at home"

That's the last thing you've said to me, you kissed Dian and I goodbye. I never knew that it would be the last time that I would hug you. 

That very last night, you hugged Dian and I to sleep. How I wish I could seize that moment. 

We were supposed to celebrate Raya together with our family.

When I woke up that Raya morning, I heard takbir raya from the near mosque. It doesn't feel like raya as the atmosphere was blue. It was even raining that morning, twice; as if the skies are sad for you.

When I saw you to identify your body, tears streaming down my face and I felt peace inside as you looked very peaceful. 

My brothers, my dad, your uncles, and your cousins bathed you. I had the chance to give you "siraman terakhir". Your body was intact, and clean. Bersih sangat, Masha Allah. You were smiling ear to ear. That gave me solace, as I know your soul is in peace. 

I whispered to your ears "I will see you at our eternal home, sayang. Wait for us" and give my last salam and kiss to you.

When we arrived at the mosque to perform solat jenazah, the mosque was filled with sea of people with all kinds of race and religion. Most of them are your friends, your acquaintances and those that you have touched their hearts, all gave you their last respect and my dad was the imam to perform the solat jenazah. 

Ya Allah sayang, you are so loved. 

When we arrived at the cemetery, it was piping hot, but all of the sudden, it became cool from the breeze of the wind. Some people even thought it was the breeze from the fan. Subahanallah. It must be the angels coming down to greet you. 

The talqin was emotional and everyone "amin kan" for your soul to be at peace and for Allah to grant you the highest Jannah. In Sha Allah. As soon as the talqin was finished, the azan for Asr was heard. 

It was the most beautiful funeral I have ever witnessed and experienced in my life. 
It feels like we just lost a great leader. We have lost a kind soul with such great characteristics in this world.

To know that everyone in the country, even the whole Jemaah Haji in Arafah, prayed for you, truly gives me peace and solace. 

“For indeed with hardship, (will be) ease; Indeed with hardship, (will be) ease” (Qur'an 94:5,6)

Indeed, with hardship, there is ease. When Allah gives you hardship, He will also gives you the tools to go through the hardship. I am blessed to have such strong support system. Besides you as my greatest blessing, through you, your friends and family are my greatest blessings. 

I believe that Allah put me here in this world for a purpose. And that purpose is to worship Him the best way as I could. Indeed, Allah is with the patience.

I have accepted on the 9 Zulhijjah 1440 evening, that this is my fate and everything has been written for us in the most intricate ways by Allah, perfectly.

You have left this world at your peak. You were the happiest and the calmest. You found home in your job, your family and in yourself.

You have left the world with a grand exit, giving us all such huge impact that indeed life is short. Everyone who doesn't know you wants to know who you truly are as your kind soul have touched the whole country, Masha Allah. You have all your loved ones mourning for you as we missed you so much. Every time we pray, we will definitely miss you. Every time I think of you, it brings me closer to Allah.

You are in the better place now. Indeed you belong in the heaven and indeed you belong with Allah. 

Only Allah can reward you with eternal happiness. 

We are all here, still in this world, for a purpose. We will finish what you've started. 

For the truth and for justice. 

We have the ultimate faith in Allah and In Sha Allah we will all see you at our real home. 

Wait for us, Syed Muhammad Danial Bin Syed Shakir. 

"Akan ku-jadikan pekerjaan ku ibadah kepada-mu, dan hanya untuk mencapai keredhaan-mu Ya Allah. Oleh kerana itu, bimbing lah aku kepada pekerjaan yang terbaik bagi diriku, agamaku, dan kehidupanku"

Aamiin YRA